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Blatently stolen from another forum but funny as hell



Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

Iwas disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loadedwith two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originallywas. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was
too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!!

What a dumbass !!! But very funny !!!

"So wat we gonna do tonight Brain?"
"Same thing we do evernight Pinky!"
"Try to take over the world!"

GREAT

I seriously doubt it!

hahahahahahaha DOOFUS !!!!thats totally summit i would do though hahaha

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MikeRace, Mini13

Nugget

Hahaha that was a good read.

haha that hilarious.